


Bobbaru

by Avagantamos



Category: Whirled
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-10
Updated: 2018-02-28
Packaged: 2018-03-22 06:32:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 13,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3718666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Avagantamos/pseuds/Avagantamos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The distant light in the distance looked so far away. Then the light looked back again and put on its hat.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The evening held their breathes to the soft breeze. The faint light of the sunset flickered and dimmed behind the mist of pink clouds and Febreeze. Their shadows strewn across the grass stretched themselves for the approaching night.

Jensen became more aware of the fellow sitting next to him, as the central heating of the sun left, and accentuated the warmth of the body just inches away. His hand crawled through the wavering grass, swiftly yet firmly scouting the field, while focusing attention on its subject at a slight distance, like a squirrel to an unfamiliar nut.

“Dorkbutt. Your hand is unattended,” spoke Jensen gently through the cool mist.

“Yeah,” Dorkbutt replied curtly, his shades glistening in the fine streaks of sunlight.

“Perhaps I could be of some assistance.” Jensen’s hand rested upon Dorkbutt’s, four fingers planted on the ground, and one risen, like a stegosaurus guarding a beloved shrubbery. The protected hand purred softly, vibrating into warm fur. The sky grew darker and revealed the first glimpses of distant stars. Jensen’s extended finger wrapped around one of Dorkbutt’s and held it in place.

“Your sparkling shades are unmatched by the stars.”

“Thanks,” they both reply. “I stole them from the president.”

The hand of Jensen stood up and walked carefully up Dorkbutt’s arm, finding some respite from the climb at his shoulder. It jumped down and hung to the material of his shirt, and swung towards the armpit, jamming its way into the small area.

“Jensen-senpai!”

“Sorry.” The hand repositioned to curve around his side, and the other hand brushed Dorkbutt’s vintage haircut from his forehead. “Will you forgive me?”

“Of course, b-baka…” Their gazes met, colors melting through their shades. Their sunglasses touched, and the liquidated plastic ran together, swirling and fusing in a hot, sizzling mess. Dorkbutt reached over Jensen’s shoulder and ran his palm across his back.

“Finally, we can be together,” breathed out the last utterance before the little space between their faces closed.


	2. Chapter 2

The intensity and eagerness of the kiss smashed the sunglasses and forced the shades to expand upwards, a thin sheet of plastic shooting into the navy sky. The mighty light from Venus shined through the veil and imaged an illuminated logo across the flat clouds, reading ARK ENT.

“Oh crap.” He really wasn’t in the mood for any crime solving right now. But when the logo appears in the sky at opportune moments when he happened to be outside at night, you gotta do what you gotta do. Ark looked down at the aerosol can he was holding, and decided that the minnow could wait. There was work to be done. He swiped his skateboard out of his pocket and clacked his equipped feet to the pavement and rolled away.

The weather report said that there was a chance of ants that night, but Ark disregarded it as ‘something people generally weren’t concerned about’. He swerved around the corner and accidentally ran over a lone sandwich. The distant call of a goose sounded in the silent night, echoing against walls and fences.

“Damn.”

A flock of geese flooded the streets and waddled at unnatural speeds towards Ark. The defenseless sandwich was not enough to satiate their hunger, and the scent of bread lingered on the racing wheels of his board. The cacophonous roar of honks aired through the town, unrelenting, unyielding.

“Why are those weather reporters always wrong!”

He initiated the turbo boosters and ollied into the atmosphere. A goose managed to grab onto the board with its beak, but was sent flying at mach speed as Ark jerked to a halt. As he continued forward, the geese below followed him as he continued forward.

_Rising up into the cool misty night_

_Riding the winds to the calling sky light_

_Below are the fields and its home of love_

_And the president intrudes in from above_

Jensen felt a rumbling emanate from the ground. He mistook it for the omelette. However, he reevaluated his suspicions when a goose suddenly latched its agape beak onto Dorkbutt’s head. He tried to ignore it, for the sake of cherishing this moment with Dork. However, it was really quite distracting.

“HOOOOOOOOONK.”

“Shush, my Dorkbooty.”

“HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK.”

“I said ssssshush, my Dorkbutt buddy.”

“HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-“

They then got covered in goose.

Ark slowly descended to see who he indirectly ran over. He discovered it to be none other than the Governor/Secretary of State/master swordsman/lute coordinator of the National $wag-a-lon of $wag Nation’s YOLO Department’s Ark Enterprise prime directive associate authority of $wagalagadingdong.

“Hey man! How’s it crack-a-lackin’?”

“It’s quackin’ stackin’.”

“Click clackers click-clackin’.”

“Knick knackers knick-knackin’.”

“Uh,” Jensen tugged at Dorkbruh’s hem.

“Protractor pro-smackin’.”

“X-Acto knife x-actin’.”

“UH,” Jensen yanked at Dorkbrush’s collar.

“Refractor beams refractin’.”

“Lactose intolerants de-lactin’.”

“VUVUVUVUVUVUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU,” Jensen pulled out his vuvuzela and played him a song.

Enlightened by the sudden rush of musical wisdom, Dorkbutt glanced over.

Jensen pointed at the geese and gave a disapproving face.

Dorkbutt stared at him. A breeze flew by and fluttered his galaxy hair. His gaze was sober, but distant. He felt within himself that he must do something. About this. He looked within himself and knew that he must do something about this. Something now. He knew that if he were to do something, it would be something about this right now, he knew right within himself that this something must be done. He would do it. He would do something about this. Yes. He would. He would do something. He felt that he must. He knew that he must do something about this right now at some point.

He walked up the tree and stood horizontally on the base. Jensen stared at him. His toes pattered quickly across the bark, swinging him around like a propeller. His head swooped the nearby geese away, and the wind he generated caused the rest to fly away into the distance. His destiny. The tree disconnected from the roots and rose upwards. Jensen continued to stare at him, and felt that he should do something, but felt that it wasn’t necessarily necessary.

“I gotta go. Need to investigate the town.”

Dorkbutt crashed into the ground next to Ark and stood up. Jensen and he aimed their handguns at Ark.


	3. Chapter 3

They stood in silence for some time.

Each of them knew they had to do something, while simultaneously having no idea what to do.

Jensen glanced at Dokibutt and saw a glimmer of clever intuition in his eyes. Like the nine tailed fox legend.

“So… it has come to this.” Dankblunt lowered his head slightly as his headdress flower fluttered in the wind.

Ark looked at them and realized, “Hey, where are your shades?”

Dookboot snapped in realization. His coy plan had been kerfumpled.

“Hey… the light signal, it was you guys, wasn’t it!?”

They shot him. The bullets ricocheted off his shades and launched towards a billboard. The two bullets hit the two legs holding it up and the billboard tumbled down, rolled down the street.

The three folk dashed off to escape the erratic rectangle, parkouring over fences and tigers. They swung on the grapevines and mailbox flags. Ark on his skateboard, Daftbach on a silver surfer trashcan lid, and Jensen on the county fair prize record holding largest grape drifted on the dusty banks of the town. When the hill leading into the ditch approached, they jumped, struck a pose, and freeze framed. They held their positions hovering in midair for a while.

The tree came down and landed on Dorkbeet, plummeting him into the depths of the earth. Ark hopped on Jensen and they jumped down the rabbit hole. Miles below, they reached the destination, and the grape made a big splattering mess on impact.

They found Dörkbütt hunched over some glowy computer panels.

“Dorkbutt, reveal yourself,” the president stood steadily while Jensen looked worriedly at his friend. Dingbing’s face was doused in soft buzzing light, the cyan hue outlining his features. He had never seen him so serious before. Not like this.

Ddorbord turned to face them. He was holding a corndog.

“Wha…what?! You, you are...”

“Yes, Mr. President. I’m Obama.”

“Well, I already knew that. I was just wondering where you got that corndog.”

“Oh, well I-” Dernkleperkle paused. He seemed conflicted. “No… no, this is not who I am.”

He shoved the corndog into one of the slots on the control panel. The screens lit up with a new set of images, maps and diagrams of a futuristic city, an abstract view of a mysterious world. A video feed popped up and a menacing reptilian face met their awestruck eyes.

“The dawn of our species has finally arrived. For millions of generations, we have been preparing for the outbreak. Your puny civilization on the fragile surface of the crust is far too little compared to one built within the entirety of the Earth. Where the lava burns, we shine like the sun. Yes, you have found us, and it won’t be long until we find you. Boy, you have sealed your fate.”

The video glitched and the computers shut down. The corndog in the slot began to vibrate. It began to shake, vigorously shaking, really moving, a lot more than a corndog should. It popped out, and landed on the cold floor with a thump. Within the slot, the glowing eyes of a creature peered out. It launched out and latched its agape jaw onto Dokrbutt’s head.

“This is who I am!” Dorkbut raised his clenched hand as the moment of truth exploded from his words.

The small alligator on his head struggled to stay attached.

“Dork-chan, was it you all along? Are you the one true leader?”

Dorkburrrr crossed his arms and looked down. “No, I’m afraid not. I am not the heir of the empire.”

“Then, you must know who is, right?”

Dorkbjtt continued to stare at the ground.

“Dork…” Jensen stepped towards him, extending a hand.

Dorkbirne turned and walked away. He opened a pod and jumped in.

“I’m sorry.”

The pod’s door shut closed, and shot down into the depths.

“DORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRk!”

Dorkbutt looked up at Jensen’s face until it faded into darkness.


	4. Chapter 4

“We’ve got to find a way outta here.”

“But, Dorkbama…”

A scuttling noise suddenly came from the wall.

“Eh, what’s that?” Ark put his ear to the air vent and heard the noise growing louder and closer.

“Mr. Ark came back!”

“Oh god.”

Mentee plowed through the air vent cover and latched his agape claws onto Ark’s head.

“Mr. Ark come my house!”

Mentee used his dragon wings to fly up the tunnel, carrying Ark with him. Ark requested assistance for escape from his captor, but Jensen was nowhere to be seen.

Jensen buried his way down deeper into the earth, using his ultimate scyther fingers. Eventually he reached a chasm leading into a spacious station. Lizard people were crawling everywhere. He hid behind a decorative plant. He decided to dig into the soil to implant himself in the pot, smashed two small holes for his legs to go through, and walked along jovially.

He saw a glimpse of Dribblet turn a corner. As he made his way over to him, he felt a rumble. His rabbit senses detected this faint rumbling, since everyone else seemed unbothered. Hurriedly, he went on his side and rolled round the corner. His light of sight was being joggled around, so he ended up rolling into an empty meeting room. The pot crashed into the wall and Jensen was free from the dirt. The plant, however, stuck and the roots wrapped around him. He felt a strange sensation, like the energy was being drained from him while a new energy was being exchanged back. The room around him wobbled, the colors contrasted, his mind growing feverish.

An explosion. A crowd of screams. Past the open door, a flood of ants rushed by. He tried to leave, to find Dorkboos, but the stream of ants forced the door closed. Through the tiny window on the door, he could see the red bombardment. His hand felt the doorknob, but his head was too weighed down. The plant gave him shapes and patterns, those that a child would make, a child of the lizards.

Visions of rockin’ blue raspberry stormed his eyes, as the chaos of the red ants drove.

-

The wings of Mentee shielded Ark from the falling ants. It turned out that the weather report was right. Ark decided not to care about it anyway. Eventually, the sheer amount of ant buildup on Mentee began to weigh them down and slowly descended them to the field.

Ark took out his can and spray painted the field. He made large lines spelling out something. Mentee stared in absent mindfulness. Mr. Ark had a piece of cabbage on his $wag dollar pure gold chain necklace. He wanted to assist.

He blew fire at the piece of cabbage, setting Ark and his message into pillars of flame. The letters grew to the sky, and scorched the message through the clouds.

Ark looked to the sky as the flames fluttered in the refracting air. The fire did not hurt him, for he was cooler than cool. Glowing orange reflected in his dark shades, the wriggling flames dancing in early morning.

-

Inside the underground station, the lizard people screeched at the unknown red species that plowed into their tunnel. They found refuge in back rooms, discussing what to do in such a dire time. The leader of the bunch suggested blocking off the main traffic zone with magma, allowing it to harden, then fumigating the area to exterminate the ants. Several lizards interjected, stating that these things were not ants, but more like red squids.

Raptor lowered his spectacles and looked at them. Others spoke in and said the ants were pretty cute and they didn’t want to get rid of them. Others joined in and said angrily that these pests were invading and destroying everything, and that they were probably fire ants and would give painful bites. The original interjectors interjected that these were not ants.

“That’s enough, we must focus.” Raptor pointed to the ceiling. “I’ve contacted the Creator to come handle the issue.”

A hush fell upon the room. “The Creator?” “ _The_ Creator?”

“Yes.”

Raptor then did a complex set of moves with his legs and feet in rapid fashion, did a guitar solo, and exited the room.


	5. Chapter 5

High above the atmosphere, a spacecraft swooshed about, flying around the planet. The driver noticed a firey message blooshing out of the clouds. ‘ARK WAS HERE’. How peculiar. He swooped down to investigate.

“Mr. Ark come see dragon family!”

“I’m good.” Ark laid his head on a soft ant.

Mentee grabbed Ark’s feet and lifted him to the air, the ant clinging to stay on Ark’s head.

“Hey!-“

“ME DRAGON FAMILY!” Mentee increased his speed and erratically zipped around causing Ark and his upside-downess to upset him.

“Aw, man. I think I’m gonna spill some government secrets.”

He spasmed a little, then let out a sonic boom bellow. The air wavered and beams of light shot from his sunglasses, forming mysterious shapes and symbols.

The spaceship neared the fire, and was hit unexpectantly from a shockwave. Messages of juicy secrets flooded his controls. The words ‘Juicy Fruit™’ flashed in front of his eyes.

He aimed towards the source and sped to follow it.

-

The lizards gathered with brooms and Swiffer Sweepers® to clean up some of the ants before help arrived.

Suddenly they heard a crashing noise.

The roof caved in and a fellow laid in the rubble.

Five stood up and the recorded sound of an audience cheering played in the background.

Rather than cheer, the lizard people sprinted and staggered to him, asking for photos and autographs.

“Is this where the lizard furries were hiding?” Five looked around and spotted Raptor, who was a bit miffed.

Raptor put on his booting boots, but they were too big for him to go anywhere in them.

Five struck a pose, a hand on his hip and a hand extending two fingers to the hole in the roof. The glitter falling around him sparkled in the flickering lighting.

“Any moment now Aduros will come and take you out.”

“Oh will he?” Five did another pose, with a hand on his knee and one to his face. His face flashed as the cameras shuttered. “Then whose spaceship is this?”

Raptor examined the dirt covered metal, and gasped.

“Ho… how?” Raptor looked up in disbelief.

Five guffawed, put a hand on his crotch, and the other on his head. He squeezed his body and flipped it forward, bending into a ball and doing a spindash.

“C’mon, step it up!”

He shot towards the wall and fell onto the ground.

Raptor stared at him for a while. He was unconscious.

He picked up a broom and swept him away with the rest of the ants.

-

The spaceship continued to follow Mentee and Ark. He heard a boom behind him. Must’ve been another one of those fifth dimension clones. Thinking about M-theory made him angry, and he lost track of his target.

He was in an intricate cave. The dim lighting and jagged crevices showed that they could have gone anywhere. He set upon the ground and dug downwards.

-

Ark was surrounded by several large fire breathing dragons. He was alone in a mysterious dark cave with no apparent means of exiting. He was being offered hot cocoa and challenged to a game of Scrabble. What a nightmare.

Mentee spelled out the word ‘auntie’.

“Hey, you wouldn’t let me use swag as a word, but you use auntie?”

“But it’s not in the dictionary.” Mentee held up a scrapbook.

“But it’s-“ One of the dragons snarled at Ark. He became quiet. He always had trouble getting along with certain families. He wondered why.

The TV station turned to the news. Daniv was reporting the weather while being pelted with ants.

“And the- Ow! News station is telling me that th- Ack! Skies are clear and- Hey! Unapproved weather stations should not be trusted with- Worcestershire sauce! Giving reports. Listentouswearenotamindcontrollingconspiracy- Gah!”

Ark looked back to the Scrabble board. Most of the letters were scorched to the point of illegibility.

A dripping sound began to trickle into the cave. A few drops landed precisely on the remaining readable letters and burned holes through them.

“Mr. Ark, it’s raining!” He took out an umbrella and opened it. The smell of burning plastic filled the unventilated area. “Can me wear me rubber boots?”

At this point Ark was too enveloped in the uncomfortable situation to fully notice the acid rain.

The dragons flew up and blasted fire at the intruding liquid. It ignited the fuel and set the walls on fire, dropping large flaming rocks and filling the room with poisonous gas.

The dragons blew more fire at it in an attempt to stop it.

The fire caused Ark’s aerosol can and the several hundreds of capacitors in his pockets to explode. He was sent flying up through the dirt and onto the surface. He was free.

He saw a man pumping a black sizzling liquid into the cracks of a large rock. Ark asked what he was up to. The man said none of his business. Ark held up his golden dolla dolla neckchain.

“Oh, Mr. President! I’m just fracking this here rock.”

Ark wanted to thank the man for aiding his escape, but thought about the welfare of Mentee and his dragon friends.

“Well, can you not do that here. This is a national rock.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, sir! I’ll move it immediately.”

He plucked the device from the rock and hopped away. Ark looked at him as he scampered away. He thought of how jovial he must be, hopping around spraying nuclear waste everywhere. He thought about how simple that life must be, spending the days out in nature, listening to the birds, the wind, the drills. He thought about a lot of things. For a moment he wished he could trade his presidential responsibilities for the brisk cool air of a world unknown. Then he remembered the Great Terminal Velocity Winter Parade years ago. Not again.

He put on his 22nd pair of shades. 22 is never too much ‘tude.

The fire released from the cracks and burst in an explosion behind Ark as he walked slowly away.


	6. Chapter 6

Five woke up to the patter of tiny feet.

“Get your filthy hands off me, you indecorous scum lapper.”

Meruem was stomping a realistic ant on Five’s belly, though it didn’t seem to have any effect on the ant. The ant got bored and crawled into Five’s pants.

Meruem wiggled his butt and picked up a speck of dirt with his mandibles. He looked up at Five and launched the speck at his face. Five was sad. Meruem tap danced aggressively, as the blinking lights and sunlight peered out of holes and shone against the backdrop of his performance, dust and debris floating gently in the varied spotlights.

Five felt the invigoration of this spectacle, the awe power of such footwork, the unbelievable state of the world that was presented in front of him.

He knew what he had to do.

He stood up, stood up in the new day’s gray light. Stood on the plane of an ancient yet modern society. Looked upon those who glanced at his incredibly determined face, his fists clenched in prepared action. His feet planted firmly on an unstable floor. He stood.

Raptor Indian held his broom warily. The other Raptors stared in anticipation. Five exhaled, and smirked at the crowd. He inhaled deeply.

“Somebo-“ He was crushed by a large spaceship. “dy once told me the world was gonna-“ His muffled voice was overpowered by the swoosh of the top portion of the spaceship opening. A light behind it increased in brightness, illuminating the figure as he stood in the dirt ridden air.

“A-Aduros-san!” Raptor ran up to him and kneeled on the ground, bowing his arms to worship. The crowd followed, a wave of lowered bodies spreading across the room.

Once they were looking at the floor instead of him, Aduros did an assortment of quick actions, flailing his arms to various parts of the station. When he finished, he spun around in a sparkly pink beam, his white silhouette shooting up to the surface. A puff of glitter graced the backs of everyone’s heads.

Vines sprouted from the tiles and gripped the limbs of the frozen crowd. They became covered in plant wires and their DNA and consciences were reprogrammed. They were released on their feet, and they slowly murmured the strands of the new code.

Five grunted in discomfort as he was currently smashed into the rubble. Meruem hid in his bellybutton.

The pod of the crashed spaceship across the room opened and a fellow stepped out. Five recognized him and his chest filled with terror/hospitality. 428 leapt across the field of lizard plant people and slid to Five’s side. He reached a tender hand to his face and rubbed his nose. Five emitted a low guttural humming which grew into the sound of a didgeridoo. 428 squeezed his cheeks and embraced him with his toes. Five spasmed and arched his back. 428 tapped his forehead like a keyboard, entering in complex sets of mathematical computations.

“Ah!” Five lurched his body upwards, shooting Meruem from his body at mach 5, giving birth to a shooting star, a new celestial being to break the mold.

Meruem penetrated millions of layers of mold, shooting into the sky like a rocket, precisely hitting underneath Santa’s sleigh and lifting him with him, like Atlas carrying the world into the vast lands of outer space.

The projectile made an exploding trail of miniature black holes and supernovas. The infinite cosmos paved the awaiting canvas of this everlasting journey. The expansion of time played out its role in the tauquernions, merging entropy and the forces of the universe into one entangled state, splayed infinitely through a spiral of nth degrees. Their state surged in the gray light of the anti-anti-world and teleported their presence to every aspect of existence. Ever present. Ever knowing. Through bad and good. Through time and space.

Santa Claus is coming to τn.


	7. Chapter 7

Dorkbus was currently wobbling through the drained hallways, leftover ants still crawling and bouncing about. He wasn’t exactly sure what was going on in him, but it wasn’t good. As he passed by a closed door, a wave of glowing energy spread out from the thin slot around the doorframe.

He grasped the doorknob, and with bated breath, peered into the room.

The walls reflected a green light, the floors splotched with green puddles, and the air smelled of chloroplast. Upon opening the door further, Dobnutt found a disheveled Jensen leaning towards the back wall, covered with a strange substance, his hands leaving trails of it on the once plain wall.

The trails spelled out a message, a symbol, glowing brightly, and it aimed directly into Drubok’s psyche.

He couldn’t understand at all what this symbol meant, but it contradicted directly with whatever was previously engraved in his mind. The two codes mixed and MAXIMUM XOR WOOOOOOOOOOOOOAHed.

Dorkubb fell face forward into an apple pie. A vine swept into the room and grabbed his ankle, dragging him out of the room and towards the main area.

Jensen grew furious at the snatching, and grew into Mega Jensen. His gargantuan bunny thighs and biceps pulsated with green glowy energy.

He stormed out of the room, though had some difficulty fitting through the doorway. After breaking off the side of the room and wearing it around his neck, he sped to find Ddifjfjobiutt.

-

“I know you two have your differences, but you shouldn’t be so hard on him. He just wants to have fun, and to share it with his friends!” Z0 stood behind the counter of the bakery, powerwashing a plate.

Ark gazed down into his cup of Canada Dry, wondering why it was the only drink he was ever given here. He sighed. He supposed that checking clearances, augmenting fiscal data, and bogeying with the aliens on a day to day basis next to his intergalactic travels amongst the tater realms was a bit uneventful, he didn’t feel like spending his chill days from work being thrown around, stuck in a cave with socially insatiable dragons, given a copious amount of macaroons (and not macarons, as he formerly thought they were called), and on fire more than once. Though he did get to do a cool guys don’t look at explosions at the end. That was nice. But the fire did burn his butt a little and there wasn’t anyone around to see him in his act of heroism, though as president you can never be too sure of that. Paparazzi popping out of his toaster in the morning asking him for one of his eyebrow hairs and then just singeing it off before he could retort. Then he would throw the toaster into the illegal toaster receptacle, buy a new toaster, get a new bag of bread, then try again the next day.

Frankly, he didn’t like it.

Z0 put a plate of toast in front of him. Yes, safe toast. Here he could dine without any nanodetectors and bombs sitting on his plate. He was safe. Yes.

Unless…

Ark glanced up at Z0, who was now powerwashing the curtains.

 _‘You can never be too sure.’_ Ark listened to the reminder in his head.

But she’s his friend; she wouldn’t do something like that.

Ark looked down again.

Toast.

_Toast._

Ark jumped up onto the counter in his combative stance, letting out a primordial yodel.

Z0 whipped around and jumped on an occupied table, mimicking the battle cry.

Ark performed a perfect jumping jack, but Z0 was not daunted. She took out a potato launcher and shot directly at Ark’s face. The potato bounced off his shades and put a hole where the extravagant chandelier hung on the ceiling. It fell to the floor with a crash, sending shards of crystal flying through the diner. Beams of light shot through the air, napkins flying about wildly.

“Hey, I’m Ark, and I’d like to start off from a little known beat straight from the heart, so I’ll take a little seat now with my car in park while you explain to me ‘bout this bakery.”

“Hey, I’m Z0, and I think ya know that this restaurant is just fo’ show, but what you don’t know is that this farmer’s bread’s home is really just a dance craze funk disco!”

“Oh,” stated Ark, as he sat in his $wagmobile. “I thought it was an undercover nanobot headquarters.”

“It is!” Z0 motioned to the tiny trail of dancing robots marching from the cracks of the floor. They booped and beeped rhythmically to the electro swing, spinning on their heads and pulling out textbook moves.

“Well, clearly, they’re no match for me, ‘cuz undercover headquarters is just my thing. These little guys just can’t keep up with the high performance beats of my auto suit mecha.”

The $wagmobile transformed into a giant suit of armor encapsulating Ark. It did a mastery windmill kick spin whilst Ark beatboxed.

The entire town gathered to view the spectacle and rapped in sync.

“Feet kick in to the amphi sound as the wheels on the bus go round and round. Stepping right in to the flowin’ showin’, ain’t go no brakes to this growin’ towin’. Shipping it right out to the crews on deck, ‘cuz this pie’s crust is fine as heck. Rocket-shipping this quiche right to the stars, flying out from Ark’s $wag robot car.”

The quiche shot up into the sky and began its journey into space.

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For background music when indicated:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BdUy70dh8LY  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2t6SWG1vgo

Mentee continued to watch the charcoaled TV. Daniv was now standing in the path of several quiches falling from the sky.

“Live here at the scene, a wild display of hip-hop danderdoodles is overcoming the town. It appears that they are dueling, but it’s hard to tell through all the confetti and glass shards and napkins and... And it also appears that it’s raining qui-oompf! MfffpfpffmfAAAAAAAAAAH ANTS! ANTS! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNt” “HO HO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! HO-”

A grand piano with a fellow vigorously playing Circus Galop landed on top of the pile.

“Ark! Help-“

“Hey, quiet down over there! Can’t you see I’m trying to jam here!”

Ark beat on the jam jars like bongos as eggs from car exhaust pipes were launched at the stove at Mach 666, creating a vortex within the appliance, glowing with an ominous red glow. The dishwasher next to it became upset and backflipped away. A loud DING rang from the oven and shot a beam of intense energy to the upper atmosphere, annihilating whatever was left of the ceiling. Pancakes rained down, smacking into the spectators faces, and built a large pile where the building once stood.

“I LOVE THE SMELL OF 372,844 PANCAKES IN THE MORNING!”

“Noo, Z0, that’s plagiarism!”

“OY, I DO WHAT I WANT MATE!”

Z0 roundhouse kicked the jar of jam from Ark’s hand and it exploded against Santa’s sleigh, the pianist still playing at full volume, the flapping coattails of his fancy jacket fading in and out of the current dimension.

He turned around and stuck up his middle toe of his fourth foot at Ark. A UFO came and dropped off Władziu Valentino Liberace with his piano, playing Sabre Dance while the other pianist continued Circus Galop.

“I said quiet!!!” Ark stood up abruptly, squatted, and moved towards the musicians. He took out his Fender Stratocaster and Roland guitar amplifier, set it to maximum overdrive, and shredded a totally wicked crabcore solo.

Liberace flipped his body upwards, avoiding the wave of sound that swooshed by his head, and, while still tenaciously playing Khachaturian’s piece, while trumpeters and violinists drove by on mobile merry-go-rounds, absorbed the energy and shot a high voltage beam of alien technologic radiation out of his crotch.

Ark counterattacked and strummed a force of 5000 earthquakes at the beam, the two beams meeting each other in a battle for dominance. Spurious emissions from the beam irradiated the pancakes, and they formed to create a giant radioactive pancake monster. Z0 rode on the creature, which intercepted the two beams of otherworldly energy.

“HRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

The pile of pancakes transformed into a hulking pancake man thing, and towered over the city.

“Yeah!” Z0’s voice was heard distantly. “I’ll call you Jim.”

Behind them, a large figure rose. Crackling with the energy of an entire nation of lizard people, the aggregate hivemind, with a unified code set to destroy the surface people, raised its arms in combat, prepared to face the Godzilla-like pile of breakfast cakes.

Jensen ran at super speed towards Jim and ate him. Z0 fell onto a large quiche and exchanged pleasantries with Jensen. Jensen tried to be polite while he realized the consequences of what he just did.

The unbelievable amount of gluten and other mysterious pancake ingredients stretched in his chest, and he grew into SUPER MEGA JENSEN.

He turned to the lizard mind being. The vine encased creature put on sunglasses, a Macho Man Randy Savage hat, extended its arms and yelled, “SNAP INTO A SLIM JIM YEAH!”

They leapt towards each other, fists flying to epic impact.

Mentee got bored and turned off the TV.

He felt a rumble within the cave, like something distant was happening, somewhere deep underground, the crystals on the walls glowing a little brighter.

“Auntie, me hungry!”

The dragon screeched and grabbed Mentee by his head, flew up and out and headed towards town.


	9. Chapter 9

The green mutant creature slam jammed Jensen, sending him flying across the city. The buildings quickly scuttled out of the way, as globs of jam twinkled in the midday sunlight. Jensen twirled through the air, projecting himself as a homing missile to curve back towards his opponent. Jets of wind brushed the pavement, the velocity of Jetson exponentially increasing.

His head wedged into the vines of his target’s chest, and he was stuck.

Jensen glanced around inside the lizard man, attempting to seem like he knew what he was doing. He saw several lizard people caught in majestic poses within the vines, and in the center of them all was…

“Hey Jensen.” Dorkobotto was embedded in the heart of the vegetation wires, along with a lawn chair and a glass of a mysterious green liquid he was drinking from.

“’Sup.” Jensen flexed his gargantuan muscles, forgetting that Doerkboute was unable to see it.

“Nothing much. Inside an ancient mind control plant monster.”

“Ayy lmao, me too.”

Jensen stood up and walked over to one of the less horribly destroyed luncheon tables. The weight of both his overgrown self and the big lizard guy on his head crushed his luncheon chair as he sat down, but he didn’t mind. There were more important matters to concern himself with.

Z0 came to their table with a notepad, and asked for their order.

“Mffmfmfpfphffphffm.”

Z0 wrote it down and proceeded to the kitchen. She swept aside the Satan spawn goblins with a broom and took out her flamethrower.

The pianists settled down to a more soothing tune. One of their legs rocked Santa tenderly.

A nanobot lit several thousand micro candles and placed them on the table. Jensen picked some up and ate them.

“So,” he spoke, “how often do you come here?”

Dorkbuthy glanced down from craning his neck trying to drink his green elixir. He paused awkwardly. “This is my, first time… inside an ancient mind control plant lizard from an underground civilization.”

“As is mine,” Jensen smirked. “We have a lot in common.”

Jensen plucked a rose from the vines and put it in Donkabont’s face. He sneezed, and spilled his drink on Jensen.

“More Mountain Dew, sir?” called a man from below.

“Yeah, ok.”

The man threw the pitcher through the plant guy, and it suctioned its agape brim onto Drokbihfu’s head. The green soft drink absorbed into his scalp.

Jensen was in the process of wiggling his eyebrows suggestively when Drknbjit’s shades lit up with corn syrup induced energy. The compounded influence of extraterrestrial coding, chloroplast wisdom, and Soylent Green Dewmocracy impacted Dorkkubamma quite heavily.

MTN DEW® BAJA BLAST® shot out of his shades and launched Jensen and the lizard people out. The sea foam green soda spurted out of his massive vine body and flooded the streets. Great hurricane waves spiraled about him, shooting him up and away. At the peak of his jump, his vines slashed outwards, splaying the shimmering new ocean over the town.

“RAAAAAAAAAAAALALALALLALALLALAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!~”

Jensen sank down into the depths of the waters, light dimming, consciousness draining. He saw a faint flicker of light emanate from an underwater UFO. Garbled voices spoke out to him. Mountain Dew Voltage dew charged with raspberry citrus flavor and ginseng flowed into him. He breathed out its carbonic acid, and his eyes lit with a ferocious pulsating power.

He transformed into SUPER MEGA ULTRA JENSEN 2.0 HOMBRE MAX++, and the UFO pulled him up out the ocean, his foot pointing towards the sky in a beautifully majestic pose he learned from his synchronized swimming championships. His hand traced down his ABS, while his other hand reached up to meet DRkobtut’s vine tentacle.

They made contact; a great spark ignited between them and its light pierced the heavens.


	10. Chapter 10

Ark crawled up onto a stool still attached to the kitchen floor, floating with its concrete foundation. As he coughed out several squids, he made a complex hand gesture on the countertop, signaling his need for a drink. Z0 dipped a glass into the blue water and placed it on his downturned hand. He stared at it, thinking that something was odd, but wasn’t sure quite what. A series of grunts and splashing sounds occurred behind him, causing the small restaurant to bob on the waves.

“Bob. Hmm…” Ark pursed his eyebroes as he contemplated.

“Oh!” He straightened up; the squids turned to listen.

“No one told me Baja Blast was back!”

“Me be MLG like Mr. Ark!”

“Gah!” Ark flinched and fell into the water.

“Now Mentee, not until you’re older…” Z0 stated, giving him a blue ramune bottle.

“But me 80 year old.”

“And a strapping young dragon at that!”

Z0 looked over to Ark as he got up again, nudged him, and indicated towards Mentee.

“Uh, yeah.” Ark murmured, resuming staring at his beverage.

A squid propped up on Ark’s lap. He patted the squid’s head and looked up to see his reflection in the microwave.

“I want much more than this provincial life.”

Z0 and the squids looked at him, perplexed.

A giant wave came and swept them all into the sky. Ark materialized his hoverboard and surfed upon the wave. Rushing above the underwater cities, he rode the immense force of the sea.

“I want adventure in the great, wide somewhere! I want it more than I can tell!”

“The hills are alive with the sound of music!” Z0 chimed in, riding on Mentee’s wings.

Ark was about to interject that that was a different movie, but a large shadow suddenly loomed over him. He looked up, and it was Jensen in a ballerina outfit, tutu fluttering vivaciously in the spray of carbonated sea foam. He wasn’t wearing any pants.

Ark looked back down, and started to wonder what exactly it was that he was doing.

Drrodbkbkutt moved in front of Jensen to catch him. He spun him around as he shot further into the sky and across the ocean, vines twirling around the tower of soda, light shining down in slanted pillars from above.

Five and 428 danced on their spinning flying saucer, their ball gowns swishing upon the silver ship.

“Let's go fly a kite, up to the highest height!” Daniv floated down with an umbrella. He sat down on Ark’s shoulders.

“Let's go fly a kite, and send it soaring.” The sun reached the peak of its size as it moved to the horizon. Its rays illuminated the backdrop of their performance, misty Mountain Dew creating rainbows against the swirling clouds.

“Up through the atmosphere, up where the air is clear!”

“Oh, let's gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo fly a kite!”

The squids transformed into giant squids and pushed the water along as they swam together in sync.

“This is madness!” Ark exclaimed. Bowler hats fell from the sky.

“Look!” Daniv pointed to a figure in the distance.

It was big, and round. Accelerating towards the object, they discovered it to be-

Daniv’s eyes grew wide.

“Stanley.”

A blast of air horns and gangster mermaids yelling ‘OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH’ rang out, lightning hitting the ocean and parting the sea.

Daniv clutched to Ark’s face as the growing waves swept them aside. Ark’s shades fell off in the chaos, and he scrambled to get them. But they were swept away as well, to a mysterious land where the oceans go. Ants blasted through the ground and filled the walls, trapping him within the Red Sea.


	11. Chapter 11

Daniv rushed to grab Ark through the tumbling waters, pulling him away from his lost possession. He initiated the flower propellers on his ace reporter hat and waded to the shore.

“Ack!” Ark projected several ant men from his throat.

“Hey! Watch where you put that thing!” Meruem chastised.

“Put what?” Daniv inquired.

“Who?” Ark questioned.

Meruem shifted his eyes between the two of them and began to sweat.

“The president has arrived.” He quickly scuffled into the forest. Ark and Dan looked as he went, and heard a booming noise behind them.

Rising above the ocean, beyond the shadow of Stanley, high on the top of his levitating fedora, stood Ark.

“Hey, it’s you.”

“Who?”

“Open your eyes and look!”

Ark opened them and looked up at Ark.

The sight of the bright colors in the dimming, reddening environment made what he saw surreal. There was Ark standing on a giant strawberry gelato man walking on a path surrounded by roses. Squids turned into children and marched behind the pink blob guy. Some of the roses walked up to him and started dancing. Ark joined them in their righteous conquest for eternal partitude.

“Ark! What are you doing!?!?!!!!!”

“It’s a party!” Ark flailed around some more.

“But,” Dan looked back at Stanley and Ark’s doppelganger then back at Ark.

Ark spun around and offered a dancing ant to Dan.

Dan shrieked and slapped the ant away.

“This is no time for flowers!”

“Then when is it ever time!” Ark grabbed onto Dan’s shirt and rattled him. Ark’s uncovered eyes seethed with an enraged determination while he sputtered the 10 amendments, and then he stopped. There was a glint in his eyes, as his demeanor noticeably changed. His grip on the shirt didn’t change, and Dan was getting nervous.

Ark’s eyes lit into flames.

“AHHHHHHHHHH! The sunlight hurts my eyes!” He stopped, dropped, and rolled into the water.

Dan paused for a moment trying to absorb what just happened, then chased after him.

He leapt into the waves and searched. He accidentally touched an underwater dashpad and sped off into the heavily rolling waves. The whole world spun faster than his fedora could. He tried to wiggle his toes as fast as he could, but it didn’t really do much.

The floor suddenly lifted up and carried him out of the water. Ark was next to him steering the helm. Dan shot his head around to examine the boat he was apparently now on. He gawked up at Ark.

“What? Every president has at least 10 yachts under every beach, right?”

Dan pondered this and considered it reasonable. He was the president after all. Or was he? He looked different without his shades. Instead of the stark, neutral expression he usually wore, he now had a focused and slightly more miffed face. Dan wasn’t sure which one was more intimidating.

“Dan!”

Dan flung himself up straight.

“Go get my slippers.”

Dan ran to the storage compartments and came back with two fluffy ducky slippers. Ark stepped in them and squeaked into his battle position.

“Ark is back in business.”

Ark’s Ark slid on the wave of the ant wall following the path of the Stanley.


	12. Chapter 12

Jensen, Drkbitutiuttuuut, Mentee, and Z0 sat around a campfire in the twilight. Jensen wiggled his muscular fingers as he animatedly told his spooky story.

“And then, through the open window, flew in a box. And inside the box was…”

“Another box.”

“Lemons!”

“Santa!”

“Five bottles of unpasteurized milk.”

“Even curioser,” Jensen whispered wistfully.

“Inside the box was… a Luigi.”

“:o,” they gasped.

“And as the night grew on, so did the Luigi, but very slowly. Looking at him, you wouldn’t see a difference, but after a while, you realize that he is gradually getting bigger. He started to shake, eyes glowing red. And then…”

“And then?”

“And then he started to dance.”

“:O!”

“Oh God!” Droshwashertt flailed his vines around.

“And then, he grew long arms and legs and did the twist.”

“Have you no mercy!?” Dokbui vine-slapped Jensen.

“Yeah, that story is too inappropriate for Mentee!” Z0 held up Mentee while he darted his tongue out to catch a fly.

“Then why is he here? Shouldn’t he go back to his cave?”

“Excuse you, but Mentee is a culturally refined individual!”

“The only one worse than him is-”

“HEYAEUIOYAIUEYIAUEYIUAEYIUYAEUIOEYOUIYAEIUYAEIUYOOAEUIYOIUAEYIOUEAYIUYAEIUOEYAUIYAEIOYIOAEUYAEIOUYEAUIOYEOIEUAYEOIUAYEIOUAYOIEUYAIYEAIEYIAOYEIAYUIAEEUIAEOEYIEEAAEIUAEIOYUIEUIOAYIOUAEYUIOAEYOIUEAYUIYOAUIYUIAEYUIYAEIUOYAIOUYIOYIYE!”

428 somersaulted from the bushes and landed in Jensen’s strong arms.

“Oh gosh, the horror!” Jensen fell backwards from his log and launched 428.

428 landed nimbly on his big toes and took out a rolling chalkboard easel.

“Now, Jensen has two e’s and two n’s,” he scribbled furiously on the chalkboard. “Jensen has six letters, 3*2 = 6. Altogether there are three 2’s and an additional 3. There are three sides in a triangle. Triangle has only one letter ‘i’ in it. ‘I’ sounds like eye. Triangle + one eye = seal of Illuminati. Jensen = Illuminati confirmed.”

He smirked smugly at Jensen as he let his words sink in. Dorbjutch gaped at Jensen as Jensen sweated profusely.

“Is that true?” Driojblk warily asked.

“I…”

“Wait a minute,” Z0 walked up to the chalkboard and began writing.

“Your name four two eight has ‘i’ in it, and it's three numbers. 4 = 2^2, 2 = 2^1, 8 = 2^3. Rearrange the numbers it becomes 1, 2, 3. It is counting to three; therefore you are the founder of Illuminati.”

428 stood-stock still at this information.

“SO IT WAS YOU!” Jensen grew in rage, becoming ☆SUPERSTAR MEGA ULTRA JENSEN 2.0 HOMBRE MAX++ SLAM FUNK DINO-REX 3000☆. The hair from his kneecaps swelled into beautiful golden locks that fluttered in the remnant wind from the transformation. The hair on his head grew straight up, beyond the tallest of the trees. His pecs quivered, the shadows wavered against the swirling fire.

“Jensen, this goes against the contract. We were the only secret society you could join. If they find out, then…” Drobpoq picked up a tree and lit its top. He swung the truck around and aimed it towards Jensen. “You know.”

“But I must stand up against the one who has done this. Who made it like this. No matter the consequences!”

Jensen lunged at 428. Dronkwobbo parried his attack and pushed him away.

“HhhhhhhhnarhRAAAHFARAA!” The two duked it out, the smoke of the tree circling them.

“Woo yeah! Time to crash this party!” Five jumped out the bushes and hopped around the campfire.

A very large Stanley landed on top of him.

Ark crashed onto the fallen fedora. Ark’s Ark crashed into the ground and Ark crashed onto Ark.

Dan landed on Stanley’s squishy skin, high above the others.

Ark looked around and noticed Dorkduif swinging the burning tree around. He sniffed the air.

“Hey! Why didn’t anyone invite me?”

“Arkiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie! Hey, who’s that?” Z0 pointed out Ark.

“Must be one of those imposters.”

“Hey, you’re the imposter.”

“But Ark wears shades, and you aren’t wearing any.”

“But I’m the real one!”

“No, I am!”

“Fite me, irl.”

“1v1 me, betch.”

They took their stances, and swooped their kicks in synchronous, matching each other’s moves. Ark spun and overpowered Ark’s kick, knocking him down. Ark struggled to get up.

“Without my shades, my power…”

“Ark!” Dan called from above, unable to get their attention. He worriedly looked down at them, seeing the struggles of his friend.

He felt a hand on his back. He glanced behind him. A boy with plain appearances stood there.

“Do not fret, young one. He will rise above and find the power within.”

Dan looked down at Ark.

“Hey, man, that’s… cheating…” Ark wobbled then sat down. “…The way I feel tonight, I think I'll wear these shades for the, rest of my life.” He closed his eyes, and daydreamed.

A portal opened up and sucked them in. Or rather, sucked the environment out.

They were in an office building.

“Wha, where are we?”

The boy behind Dan picked him up with his string. Dan looked up at him and saw that he turned into a blue balloon, a reminder of the sky.

“Lel?”

Stanley shrunk down to normal size and hopped into Dan’s arms.

“Young man, there's no need to feel down. I said young man, pick yourself off the ground.”

Ark got up and walked down the hallway, up and down the boulevard of Ark Enterprise.


	13. Chapter 13

“Ark, snap out of it!” Z0 called after him, and tried to catch up.

“Halt!” the Geheimen Staatspolizeileutnant Enortos commanded. “There is to be no running in these halls.”

“But we need to get Ark before he pulls us too deep into his conscience!”

“Teeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen-hut!”

Enortos’s Gestapo Trüper balloons lined up, awaiting orders.

“Take care of this.”

The balloons surrounded the group, their drawn on faces menacingly close.

“Let these kids go; they mean no harm.” A papier-mâché moogle floated behind Enortos.

“Orders are orders, dude.”

“Well, this is a dream, so not really.”

“Is that why you’re so dreamy?”

“I’m always dreamy.”

Enortos grabbed Diddley and caressed him.

“Yes, rub my moogle body.”

While they were distracted, Z0 and the group quickly moved down the hall.

Ark had reached the end of the materializing hallway, and a wall formed in front of him.

“Oh good, he stop-“

A window appeared and Ark jumped out of it.

They ran up to the window and saw that Ark was now flying away.

“Now what.”

They turned around and looked at the many red balloons floating about.

-

Soaring through the air at a mild pace, they rode on Jensen, who was now a large floating ball from consuming all the helium tanks in the building.

“You’d think the tanks would make him heavier.”

“He absorbs the metal and uses it as energy. I’ve got ball of steel.” Dodkbutha patted Jensen’s belly.

“Does that mean he’s a robot?”

Dan looked over to Drkobuhuhf, who was currently eating a frying pan.

“What?” He spoke through a mouthful of metal.

“Nevermind.”

“And these balloons make a nice centerpiece.” Z0 placed stones on the ends of the strings on the picnic blanket. They sat around it and had biscuits and tea.

“One lemon or two?”

“One plz.”

Z0 plopped a full lemon into the teacup.

Lel rubbed a soggy biscuit on his face. It fell in crumbs onto the blanket.

“Sorry, I… forgot how to eat.”

“Hey, you! Fat one! Give me back my Trüpers!”

Jensen scrunched up his face. “Did he just call me fat?”

He swiveled his head about his shoulders and shot lasers at Enortos.

He narrowly avoided the beams. He looked down at Diddley. “Can’t you go any faster?”

“Can’t you turn into a balloon?”

“If I did, I would become fragile. I would lose respect.” Enortos gazed into the distance, at rolling hills and wuthering stones. He remembered the Great Terminal Velocity Winter Parade. Not again.

He stood on top of the small moogle, and dramatically sang an opera.

A single tear crept down Diddley’s face.

He crashed into Jensen, who was stuck in the entryway of an alien spacecraft. The force of the crash expelled the helium from Jensen in a high pitched belch, singing the final note of the song. They tumbled inside.

“That was beautiful, man.”

They saw Ark disappear around the center pillar. They snuck up to the pillar wall to glance at Ark.

“If we’re quiet and careful enough, we can catch-“

“COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUGH,” Ddroiubkutt streamed fire from his throat.

Z0 snapped around to glare at him.

“Sorry. iHop.”

“Well, he didn’t seem to notice, so-”

A loud, distorted noise sounded next to them.

There was a large vortex sucking in air, documents, and drawings.

“Why discriminate art?”

“Yeah, freedom of speech, baby.”

The vortex continued to suck up Enortos’s and Diddley’s drawings, along with much of the rest of the station.

“Hey! What are you two doing?!”

“We’re making a stand against those who try to keep us down.”

“Well keep it down!”

Ark began to rub peanut butter over some documents, layering papers to make a sandwich.

“He’s a stealthy one…” Z0 leaned forward, drawing out a lightsaber.

“rrrrrrrRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” she lept forward, “VVNEWM!”

The clock on the wall struck appointment o’clock, and Ark fell through the floor tile.

Z0 hit the counter where the sandwich once was, splitting it in half and releasing tHE BEES.

“THE BEES! THE BEEEES!”

The vortex sucked up the bees as they hastily piled into the elevator and pressed the button to the lower floor.

Z0, Mentee, Drobkbhjhjbhjbhjbhj, Jensen, Daniv, Lel, Stanley, Enortos, Diddley, and the Gestapo Trüpers waited in the small elevator as they descended.

They heard a distant boom from above.

They heard a loud buzzing.

They hit the bottom floor, and they saw Ark outside the door of someone’s office.

Ark adjusted his invisible tie, and walked in.


	14. Chapter 14

Ark nervously walked towards the ominous desk, the chair facing away. After the door shut, a silence drew over the room. Ark stared at the papers in his hands, sweat sprouting from his brow.

The one occupying the chair suddenly spun around to face Ark.

“Gah!”

“How did this week’s earnings turn out?” Panda extended his grisly paw to him. Ark gave him the peanut oil soaked pamphlet.

Panda’s eyes scanned the documents, his face gradually forming into a grimace. Ark considered peeing himself now just to get it over with, but decided that it would be unprofessional to rush such things.

Panda slammed the papers onto his desk, and clenched his fist into the air.

“This simply will not do! We need something new! Something that will really get their attention…”

He paced around the room, thumb to his lips in thought. He halted, face scrunched in deep concentration.

“Fuck it.”

Panda pulled down a lever, which brought down party lights and balloons. He ripped off his suit and bellowed heartily. Mysterious smoke seeped into the room.

“This is how people get to the top. Live and reach out to the sole fulfiller, the soul fulfiller that is life itself. They’ll try to bring you down, but they don’t know. They don’t know what I have, what I’ve done, the things I’ve seen, the people I’ve influenced. I have my integrity; they are just lost sheep in a metropolis! A pet fish in the great river! I accept the fire! The ocean! The sky and all that is beyond! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! The world is holy! The soul is holy! The skin is holy! The nose is holy! The tongue and cock and hand and asshole holy! Everything is holy! everybody's holy! everywhere is holy! everyday is in eternity! Everyman's an angel! The bum's as holy as the seraphim! the madman is holy as you my soul are holy! The typewriter is holy the poem is holy the voice is holy the hearers are holy the ecstasy is holy! Holy Peter holy Allen holy Solomon holy Lucien holy Kerouac holy Huncke holy Burroughs holy Cas- sady holy the unknown buggered and suffering beggars holy the hideous human angels! Holy my mother in the insane asylum! Holy the cocks of the grandfathers of Kansas! Holy the groaning saxophone! Holy the bop apocalypse! Holy the jazzbands marijuana hipsters peace & junk & drums! Holy the solitudes of skyscrapers and pavements! Holy the cafeterias filled with the millions! Holy the mysterious rivers of tears under the streets! Holy the lone juggernaut! Holy the vast lamb of the middle class! Holy the crazy shepherds of rebell- ion! Who digs Los Angeles IS Los Angeles! Holy New York Holy San Francisco Holy Peoria & Seattle Holy Paris Holy Tangiers Holy Moscow Holy Istanbul! Holy time in eternity holy eternity in time holy the clocks in space holy the fourth dimension holy the fifth International holy the Angel in Moloch! Holy the sea holy the desert holy the railroad holy the locomotive holy the visions holy the hallucina- tions holy the miracles holy the eyeball holy the abyss! Holy forgiveness! mercy! charity! faith! Holy! Ours! bodies! suffering! magnanimity! Holy the supernatural extra brilliant intelligent kindness of the soul!”

“Yeah man.” Ark started dancing to the funky tunes.

Chicks poured into the room and chirped energetically.

Diddley hopped quietly into the busy room to pick up some chicks.

“Guest!” Enortos hissed. “At least save some for me.”

Diddley stuck his nose up at him and carried all the chicks then scurried away.

Enortos, who was now a balloon for whatever reason, floated after him, balloons bumping into him on the way.

“Hey! You wan fite m8?!” He put up his string in prepared defense, threatening the other balloons. The rising smoke pushed them all into him, and he broke out in a frenzy, vigorously slapping his multicolored foes.

Panda noticed Diddley on the floor and lifted him up into his arms.

“Hey Ark. Check out my new dog.”

Ark went over to check out the moogle.

“Woah. Cool cat, man.”

Panda cuddled Diddley softly. The moogle blushied.

Enortos, who had witnessed the scene, rushed over and bumped Panda. He held Diddley in his strong string and rubbed him against his rubber head.

The hair on Diddley puffed up as the static electricity found its way to the lever and power supply, the system glitching and activating an unknown switch.

The engines started; the ceiling opened, revealing a humongous bee.

It buzzed while the engines hummed, lowly and resonating.

Panda stood on his desk, and raised his arms.

“In a lonely room, surrounded by fans subduing the heat of the computers. In the eye of the storm, in the machinery of the night.”

The room went black, and a glowing ball rose from the center. It created holograms on the walls, in wriggling lines of color.

“In this cube we stand, of our Earth, our home.”

The holographic projector showed scenes of landscape, fluttering leaves, placid lakes, a sunny sky.

“What secrets lay beneath …”

The top edges of the walls closed in, forming a pyramid. Panda pointed to the top.

“Underneath this clay, is our drive, the fuel, the fire. To keep in motion, the future, of what technology the underground organization offers.”

The square floor of the pyramid broke off, carrying everyone with it, and the remaining walls morphed into a triangular pyramid. The wall spun like a top at the top of the pyramid, which rumbled and propelled itself up with its rocket boosters, the octahedron above it assisting. Wind currents rushed through them as they picked up speed.

“The winds rise and we are free. Up into the sky we face the heights of our advancements. Spinning, flying, into the open whirled.”

Small gems shot by as they soared through the clouds. Layers of grids expanded across the landscape and atmosphere. The icosahedron gems burst into water as they impacted everyone still clinging onto the slowing wall.

They looked down and saw the planet gradually moving away. They stood on the half of the wall that was spinning up towards their body mass. Panda held a dodecahedron in his hands.

“In the space we have yet to fill. The world of our universe.”

Ark slipped off the edge of the wall. He floated freely in the expanse of darkness. And he saw stars.

“Man, I’m so high right now…”

He closed his eyes and drifted off to a gentle sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/240700  
> https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Platonic_solid


	15. Chapter 15

Ark stirred from his much needed rest. He propped himself up and looked around. The others around the campfire stared at him incredulously.

Thunder sounded in the distance, and rain poured down upon the campgrounds.

Doribhtuttt gazed up, then realized something. He turned away and ran into the deep woods.

“Dorchboch! Where are you going!?” Jensen yelled as he showed no sign of slowing.

He tried to chase after him, but fell down from the enormity of his hair.

“Dang-flab-rabbit!”

-

Five dug his way back to the surface, having been pummeled into the ground by a large, round pink thing. The rain began to wash off the dirt that clung to him.

He glanced over to the others, who all looked very dazed and were struggling to upright Jensen and his tree trunk hair, yelling their suggestions and other incoherent blabbering.

_Silly children. I am exceedingly more professional than these amateurs_ , he thought to himself, polishing his glasses and putting them on his dirt covered face. The lenses shone like an anime.

He paused, as he felt something was off. He stared into the group and carefully examined them. Amongst the chaos of the bustling people, there was an individual standing completely still, staring directly at him. Two, beady black eyes somehow glowed in the darkness, emanating beneath his green cap, and 428’s countenance grew into an elated grin.

Five sped off as fast as he could, desperately trying to find safe ground. He heard 428’s stomps behind him, shaking the ground and rustling the leaves, squeezing more water from the clouds through the fierce air suction of 428’s aggressive hopping. Five wanted to question this line of scientific reasoning, but was too distracted by the hell-beast gaining on him.

He ran through the forest and eventually met an open field. There was nowhere to hide out here, but he couldn’t turn back to the forest either. He felt his gamer muscles begin to fail, and he sweat profusely. However, he suddenly heard the stomping disappear. He chanced a glance behind him, and saw that 428 was gone. He looked around, finding no one, but a guy at the edge of the cliff, facing towards the ocean.

He felt the air become chilly, almost… _frosty_.

The guy’s scarf flew gracefully in the wind as he stood firmly with his hands placed behind his back.

Though at some distance away, he could hear the guy’s mumbling, as the sound of thomping was replaced by the quiet patter of rain.

“Do you see them? What they’re doing?” Frosty spoke mildly.

With each word, Five inched closer.

“What is Grey Havens really doing? Have you seen the conspiracies that have been happening around here lately?”

Five thought about the underground lizard race, the alien technology, the raining ant men. He looked up at the sky and realized that it wasn’t raining ants today. Was it Tuesday? He lost track of all time as he took in and appreciated this moment.

He looked back at Frosty and noticed the rising sun across the ocean casting his shadow down the hill, the light basking him in an auratic glow.

“They’ll be in my control. I’ll have the world under my reign, and there is nothing they can do to stop me.”

Five paced up to Frosty and tapped his shoulder.

“Hey. Bitch.”

Frosty snapped his attention to the fellow next to him. He shot figurative icicles at him through his eyes, while Five gave an angry pout.

“I’m king of this world; if you want it, you’ll have to go through me.”

Frosty narrowed his eyes. His scarf whipped to the side as the wind kicked up.

“Very well then.”

Frosty hadoukened his frosty energy ball, attempting to freeze Five, but completely expecting this, Five blocked the attack with his super hax0r skills. Five summoned a velociraptor, on which he rode upon and rushed towards his opponent. Frosty gave it a swift slap to the face, and finding this very offensive, the velociraptor opted to throw Five off its back and head home. Five attempted to imitate the raptor by putting his arms and hands into the stubby t-rex arm positioning, quickly and lightly flapping his hands against Frosty’s chest. Taking advantage of this close proximity, Frosty swirled the rain into an ice particle whirlwind, his scarf wrapping around his torso akin to a Sailor Moon transformation. The ice formed an armor, and he became Frosty the Snowman. He grabbed Five in a hug, sending chills down the other’s spine. His limbs were restrained, and he was gradually being engulfed in the cold. Finding himself in a pickle, Five resolved to do what he did best.

He nudged Frosty’s scarf down, and breathed hotly against his exposed neck. Frosty froze, as he was being unfrozen. He tried to regain his frostiness, but stopped mid-frostification when Five slowly ran his tongue along Frosty’s not-so-frosty neck, stopping at the ear to let out a soft moan, penetrating Frosty’s composure with its heat. His disheveled hair dripped the melted ice from its tips as the warmth spread through his whole body.

“Uwaa~ Chin chin sekai deshou…”

Frosty’s face flushed in utter confusion, eyes wide and dazed, limbs trembling.

He collapsed onto the ground, steam rising from his overheated head.

Five stooped over him, one hand on his hip, the other snapping in a zigzag manner.

“Gurl, you messed with the wrong lolita,” Five said sassily, swiveling his head and strutting away.


	16. Chapter 16

428 woke up from his brief spiel of unconsciousness, feeling dazed and mildly confused.

“I think someone just crashed me.”

He was back at the campsite, where the others were boiling Jensen’s long, stiff blonde hair in a large pot. Jensen laid on a tall table, his expression stern and serious.

When the hair was ready, the noodles grabbed onto everyone, each person getting into battle formation. 428 screamed as a noodle wrapped around him, yet he made no effort to move, his expression continually blank as he yelled into the morning air.

The noodles knitted themselves into a sail, and a large gust of wind launched them into the air.

-

An ominous tower towered in the distance. Inside, Dorkbuthhs hastily pressed all the buttons on a console, having no idea what he was doing. He pulled a lever and a toilet in the background flushed. He pulled down a pullstring, and a loaf of bread launched into his face.

Flop entered the room from the side door.

“Here’s the documents you wanted.” He handed him a sheet of paper.

“You were supposed to find the records. This is a drawing of a red squid.”

“It’s an ant!”

Droigyhuh tossed the paper into the copier machine. A stream of ants spewed out into the moat below.

Driohgg paced around the room, muttering to himself. He stopped when he heard the distance sound of “Ride of the Valkyries.” He looked out the window and saw a large spaghetti monster slowly floating towards him. He stood staring at it for a minute or so, the music gradually becoming louder.

Flop scribbled something on his paper. He showed it to Doadhfu.

The drawing in light blue crayon depicted a floating creature with triangles poking out the bottom.

“Flop, this is a ghost.”

“It’s our guest.”

Dududhfio gazed back to the window. His shades glinted in the faint light. In this moment, he felt the weight of his duties, his ultimate plan.

Revving into action, he sprinted to the McDonalds play place at the back of the room, climbing up the large ledges and plastic stairs. He crawled through the hamster tube and got sucked upwards, placing him in the communication station at the top. Surrounding him was a clear dome that allowed him to see the vast landscape. He turned a wheel which activated the quantum color balls, generating frequencies to be transmitted to the atmosphere. An alien spacecraft received his signal and hovered over him. The plastic dome popped off, and a green beam of light carried Droidofhih to the sky.

He floated in the soft green of the ethereal light, as he faced the nearing spaghetti monster.

Jensen whipped his long spaghetti hair and posed dramatically, causing the others in his hair to launch out onto the castle.

“Dojkdhbun… ore no… kokoro………………………………………………”

In a sudden fit of passion, beams of light emitted from Jensen as he spun rapidly, ribbons enfolding him, transforming Jensen into ☆♡SUPERSTAR MEGA ULTRA KAWAII DESU MOE JENSEN 2.1 SUGOI MAX!!! AISHITERU IDOL@10000 COMBO EXTREME EDITION & KNUCKLES♡☆

Droibuhtuhf raised his hand and opened it to the sky. In a flash of lightning, squids rained down, attaching to the space ship with their suction tentacles. The alien ship became infused with squid power, and squid light beamed down to transform Driobhgub into Squid!Drhbfgbttt.

“Drlhbiohgh… you’re a squid now!” exclaimed Jensen!

“Heh……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………” Driougihbuu outstretched his tentacles, the ink mist turning the sky dark, contrasting the light searing from Jensen’s sugoi form.

It was at this moment that Jensen would have to face his long-time friend, in a match between the light and the dark, in the hands of faith, of unending love and loss.

What was he fighting for?

The black mist flooded around Jensen as he sank into a stupor. The air grew cold, colder.

“I’m here fighting, because… because……”

Suddenly Jensen raised his head, and his large eyes sparkled with forming tears. He pointed his magical girl wand at Dropjbhihhfg and screamed,

“Because I love Whirled!”

A great beam of light shot out from his wand, coloring the dark sky white in an instant.

-

“What is this weeb shit?”

The others sat watching from the tower, some mildly offended at the remark and some just laying on the floor.

When they were flung from Jensen’s spaghetti head, most of them had landed on conveniently placed fancy throw pillows. 428 upon landing tumbled down a spiral of stairs leading into the core of the castle.

After reaching the bottom, he got up and looked around. He was in the corridor of an office, one that looked very familiar. Within his mind, memories of the past returned; an inner voice sounded.

This is the story of a guest named 428.

428 worked for a company in a big tower where he was Employee #428. Employee #428's job was simple: he sat at his desk in room 428 and he pushed buttons on a keyboard. Bloons appeared to him through a monitor on his desk, telling him what bloons to pop, how long to pop them, and in what order. This is what Employee #428 did every day of every month of every year, and although others might have considered it soul rending, 428 relished every moment the bloons came in, as though he had been made exactly for this job. And 428 was happy.

And then one day, something very peculiar happened. Something that would forever change 428; something he would never quite forget. He had been at his desk for nearly an hour when he realized that not one single bloon had arrived on the monitor for him to pop. No one had shown up to give him instructions, call a meeting, or even say 'heyo.' Never in all his years at the company had this happened, this complete isolation. Something was very clearly wrong.

Shocked, frozen solid, 428 found himself unable to move for the longest time. But as he came to his wits and regained his senses, he got up from his desk and stepped out of his office.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ride of the Valkyries: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XRU1AJsXN1g  
> http://thestanleyparable.wikia.com/wiki/Dialogue  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3B8ADYhE_ms


	17. Chapter 17

428 saw 428 step out of room 428, and they faced each other.

“Who are you?”

“I’m 428. Who are you?”

“I’m 428. Who are you?”

_Who am I?_ thought 428 _. I remember meeting 428 when I walked out of room 428, but this 428 doesn’t remember that 428, since that 428 is me, which is the future version of this 428, but I am not sure what happened to the 428 I met, as I am not sure what will happen to me. Is there an infinite number of 428s? But if there is an infinite number of 428s, how is that different than no 428s? If each 428 followed an iteration of infinite possibilities, the collective 428 has already experienced everything, then there is nothing left. There is no differentiation between encompassing infinity and nothing at all, as a completely scribbled on canvas is a different colored blank canvas. But then, is the new infinity a different colored 428? But of course, there would be an infinite amount of colors, once again converging to black and white, the filled and the empty._

_More Void? Within Light, there is Darkness._

_Stability has left this world._

_The vast non-Existence has been abandoned. I am alone._

“I’m 428. Who are you?”

_Who is the real 428? Is 428 even real? What is a 428?_

The creak of a door sounded, and 428 turned to see a small pink blob walking out of room 427.

Stanley was finite, but he had many states and outfits. He often wore a brown fedora, but sometimes he wore other things. He aims to have every outfit, but he will not have every kind. But that leaves the opportunity open to find more outfits, more hats to be discovered.

And as Stanley gazed upon 428, he saw his current state, a screenshot of 428’s infinite time loop, and acted accordingly.

Stanley took out a green cap, one that looked just like 428’s, and put it over his own hat.

428 looked at Stanley, and saw himself, but nonetheless, he was still Stanley.

And he knew, that this was the essence of 428.

_Before Time, before Existence, there was Essence._

_Life, purpose, good, evil._

_Sing into me, emptiness of uncreation._

_Sing the nature of the cosmos._

-

Dodrkbbbb was stunned in the aftermath of the blinding beam directed at his chest. He felt dazed and mildly confused, and had an inkling that something was off, like whoever was orchestrating these events hadn’t returned to them in a year, and was trying to remember what had happened. In front of him was Jensen, giant and muscular, dressed as a sparkling magical girl. Above him was an alien spaceship holding him in the air with its tractor beam. He looked down at himself, and saw that he was a giant, muscular squid boy. Alright.

Dorkbuuuuuuuu sent out his tentacles to slap Jensen, and Jensen shrieked, sending a shockwave to deflect the squid arms. Dagkf flung mysterious green goo at him, and Jensen’s continuous yelling vaporized the goo.

“C’mon, man. I’m trying to demonstrate my move set.”

“HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

Jensen’s eyes kira-kira’ed in the rising sun.

Jensen brought his muscular thighs together and raised his arms. His figure eclipsed the morning light as he posed magnificently.

“OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOAOOAOAOEOEOOEOEOAOEKJAKL;DJFAKL;SDJFLKJASDKL;FJA;SLKDJFKLASDJFLKAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~”

Crowds of people gathered below, singing as a chorus for Jensen, gazing up at his glistening form in pure awe and wonder.

“Together we share this power.” Jensen gestured at the crowds, those watching up on the tower, himself, and towards Drofakld. “You, Dasdfklj, question this, but your powers are irrefutably drawn from ours. United we are the ultimate being. Even if we are separated, that gravity still prevails, the hands of space-time, the strings of fate, the currents of destiny, the stars of hope, the bonds of truth, the strength of life, the force of love…”

Daoighjfjf stared at Jensen as they stared at each other.

“The search for meaning, the tides of longing, the flight of feelings, the fight for believing, the song of returning, the trials of learning, the gifts of deserving, the taking and the earning, the thoughts that are turning-”

“Ok, we get it, Jensen.”

“…So, Doaisdfhgr… shall we unite?”

Dgrirggbtoot floated silently as the growing sun bathed him in light. Birds flew by, and the sound of music played softly from the distance. Jensen’s spaghetti hair wriggled like angels in an electron valence shell while Jensen looked at him with those intense, sparkling eyes.

Dracuborb felt his hand move instinctively closer to Jensen’s. His body outstretched towards him and Jensen’s spaghetti tentacles wrapped smoothly around his forearm. Their fingers inched towards each other, electricity crackling between the two.

The intensity and eagerness of the touch smashed the air particles and forced great planes of wind to expand outwards, a thin sheet of gust shooting into the tower and slicing it in half.

Those on the tower toppled to the sides, while within the center of the tower, a mighty light shone through.

428 has logged in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 16 Updated: 2016-07-09  
> Chapter 17 Updated: 2017-07-17


	18. Chapter 18

A figure stood in the shadows, the source of this emanating light, though seeming void of anything.

Dudgeridoo pointed at the ambiguous form from where he was sitting on the grass, after had being booshed by the intense wind currents.

“Hey, it’s 428.”

Jensen, who was headfirst stuck in the dirt, his chunky legs pointed to the skies, responded.

“Who?”

Mentee hopped towards 428, ball and chain in hand.

“Mr. 428, come join me famil-”

428 raised his budder sword and struck down upon Mentee’s noggin, sending him back into the demon realm in a puff of red fire and a microwave ding.

“Oh shit. He killed Mentee.”

“WAIT, I DIDN’T GET TO SEE,” Jensen complained, still muffled in the ground.

“428, I didn’t know you were that kind of guy.”

428 peered at him with eerily large, blackhole eyes. He floated upwards, a shadowy aura outlining his golden silhouette. The heavens parted and shone majestic light onto the rising figure. His dark aura grew, allowing his glimmering body, bathing in the sun’s light, to glow in the fierce darkness.

“Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” Drrrrrrrrrrobble looked confusedly at the intense being in front of him.

The aura consumed the tower and the land around it, prompting the others to scamper away.

428’s budder sword also grew in size, and he tested its girth by slamming it down on Jensen’s protruding feet.

“OOOOF!”

“Jensen!” DrooooooooooooooWWEEEEEEEEEEEE cried out.

Druckanorf grabbed Jensen’s ankles and plucked him from the ground, and swung him around like a baseball bat. His grip slipped from the buttery substance and sent Jensen flying to the exosphere. Dostovodania jumped up along with him.

Seeing Jensen flail in the upper atmosphere, he felt a familiar feeling surge within himself. Ddokboboggen knew he had been missing something, which he had been trying to hide and discover at the same time. As the air grew thinner, his thinking became clear, and everything in between fell out from his mind.

They fell back down to Earth together. Below he could see 428’s energy spreading across the land.

“Jensen, grab my hand!”

“Drookadoog….”

“Looks like we’ve got trouble on our hands. And, well, I should’ve listened to what you said about 428 earlier…”

“Doogydoonboony…”

“You were right. We are stronger together. I was foolish to think I could do it on my own.”

“Dunkaslamabamaramma…”

They accelerated downwards in silence for some time. A flock of geese fluttered through the clouds in the distant light.

Doaconglomerate gazed out to the starry landscape beside him, meshing into the blue of daylight.

“I kept looking, trying to find what I was supposed to be doing. Involving myself with the underground reptiloids, the aliens, the genetic testing, the hyperdimensional time warp facility…”

He looked back to Jensen.

“When all I really wanted was to be with you.”

“Dooby…………”

“Stop calling me that.”

“Dorkbutt.”

Dorkbutt gave an affirming smirk.

“Now let’s do this.”

From space and sky, they spiraled down into darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ks_qAR-kknM  
> Chapter 18 Updated: 2018-02-28


End file.
